Where do we go from here.

We are always, slowly and almost imperceptibly, losing our control of what we thought we’d never lose control of. Sometimes we glimpse our loss as it is about to happen like some sort of low  loss as it happens, like a bloop. Does anyone know what a bloop is anyhow? For many years we thought it was an unidentified, ultra low sounding creature.. some even said it was alienlike. Guess what it was? Ice cracking. Yup. It’s small wonder so many people reject science…the truth often cannot compete with the mystery. Inevitably, when we lose something, it is always so devastating. The end of the world. At some point, however, we have only the remnants of our past experiences and even though we may not understand why these incidents have occurred that have brought us to where we are–life does continue on and we just have to piece together the broken parts. I often sit around and wonder if all of my compromises and sacrifices will eventually lead me to my successes and if they do, will I even understand that moment as it appears from the base I’m on now? I just hope that I am not stressing to the point where I don’t realize that I have already endured the best parts of my life. Some say once you hit 30 things start to piece together. But I am almost 30 and nothing makes ANY sense whatsoever. Originally as a child I had a dream of being a forensic scientist. That dream turned into a school teacher. That dream then turned into a social worker {I know— what the heck} and now, here i am, still indecisive about my future. Oh. Where am I now? I’m at the “I want to go to Law School” base. Yet I still have forever and a day before I graduate. If there is anything I will instill in my own son it is to go to college. You don’t know what you want to be? That’s ok! Just go! Just get that four year degree so you aren’t my age still indecisive. I really think that nowadays it is so much more difficult to become anything. Because there are so many people competing with you for the same thing, even IF you change your mind twenty five hundred times. There is always someone behind you ready to take your place. Always.

I’ve resorted to just ‘getting through the moment’ instead of trying to focus on all of the ‘issues’ in my life. If i focus on the negative I get washed away in the tears but if I focus on the positive I am just waiting for the water to go over my head and drown me. It’s a no win. So now, I just ‘get through’.

I long for that someone to look at me and say, “DO THIS! And then, when you finish that, do this! And then…” and so forth. I’m so tired of being old and not having a plan. I have no plan.

Where do I come up with a plan?



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